When children struggle, they rarely sit down and calmly explain that they feel anxious or sad. Instead, their feelings appear through behaviour, for example:
• meltdowns and big outbursts
• anger, shouting or arguing
• clinginess or constant reassurance seeking
• tummy aches or headaches
• school refusal
• crying that feels out of proportion to the situation
• shutting down and going quiet
As a child and teen therapist at Design Your Mind, working with children from age seven and above, I often remind parents that children do not try to give adults a hard time. They are having a hard time.
Here are some possibilities for what your childs behaviour may be expressing.
I do not know what to do with this feeling
Children do not usually have the emotional language that adults hope for. They experience fear, shame, jealousy or sadness as strong body sensations.
When they cannot express this with words, their behaviour becomes the message.
I feel overwhelmed
School pressure, noise, homework, friendships, social media, family changes and tiredness can all add up. What looks like defiance or laziness may be a nervous system that has run out of capacity.
I need help to calm down before I can talk
Most children cannot think or talk clearly while they are still flooded with emotion. They need co regulation, which might mean a calm adult, a predictable routine or sensory support. Talking about what happened works much better when their body has settled.
My behaviour is a clue, not only a problem
While limits and boundaries are important, behaviour is also information. A child who feels unable to explain their feelings will often show you instead.
How therapy can help children and families
In online child therapy through Design Your Mind, I use age appropriate tools such as drawing, stories, games and simple coping skills to help children understand what is happening inside them. They learn to name feelings, notice body signals and try out new ways of managing tricky moments.
Parents or carers are not blamed. You are included in the process, with regular check ins to explore what is working, what is hard and how to support your child at home.
If your child's behaviour is worrying or confusing, it may be their way of asking for help. Therapy can support both your child and you as a family.